Hello, AMWW readers! Alice Zindagi here with the latest news on anti-Asian internet “stars.” Oops, they did it again!

Earlier this week I was shown a link to a YouTube video touted as the “new” Alexandra Wallace. You can find commentary on the original video below, as YouTube keeps removing copies of the video itself (thankfully).

 

 

I had figured (or rather hoped) that with the international aftermath resulting from Alexandra Wallace’s infamous racist rant “Asians in the Library,” perhaps the racist people out there would have learned a lesson and saved themselves the trouble. I thought that maybe, just maybe, they would keep their mouths shut or at the very least off the internet.

Perhaps my hopes were too lofty.

If anything, this new character Samuel Hendrickson makes Alexandra Wallace look like half a saint. His four-and-a-half minute video, originally posted on his now-defunct Facebook page, details ten reasons why he says he’d hate to be Asian, ranging from “all Asians look alike” to “sushi sucks.” Naturally, he didn’t fail to mention Asian penises.

(Seriously, why do white guys have this obsession with Asian penis? Y U JELLY BRO?)

While I do look forward to watching one of the many parody videos that are bound to crop up, it’s incidents like this that almost make me ashamed to be white. This mess caused me to  facepalm with such epic proportions that I nearly gave myself a concussion.

As I recuperate from my self-induced whiplash at the utter stupidity of some YouTubers and Facebookers, sit back and enjoy my take on the ten reasons Samuel Hendrickson would hate to be Asian with these ten reasons why I’d hate to be him right now (find his original list here):

1. I would hate to have cataract surgery. Because if Samuel Hendrickson thinks all Asians look alike, he clearly needs it. Both Toon Khongmalai and Taeyang get my rocks off, but I challenge anyone who isn’t blind to mistake them for each other.

2. I would hate to force myself to date someone I don’t like. Samuel is somehow under the impression that Asian men are required to date Asian women and that he’d suffer this indignity if he was Asian. My Asian boyfriend begs to differ.

3. I would hate to work in a cubicle for the rest of my life. Forget about the fact that Asian men have the highest salaries in the United States while busy in their sweatshops, what about those poor white people sweating it away in cubicles like Samuel Hendrickson?

4. I would hate to ruin my job opportunities for years to come. In a roundabout way, Samuel has just admitted to the entire world how much he enjoys illegal drugs. Unless we manage to resurrect Pablo Escobar, I don’t foresee any lucrative careers in Samuel’s future.

5. I would hate to have the world’s top-paying careers closed off to me. Some Asians really do suck at math. Some are really good at it.  But if poor little Samuel Hendrickson doesn’t want to face the pressure of being bad at math, he’s going to have to face the harsh reality that eighteen of the top twenty highest-paying jobs are closed off due to his lack of calculus.

6. I would hate to be a celebrity. If Samuel is such an expert on what makes you a name-brand in show business, he must be a celebrity of some kind himself, right? Clearly he has some kind of expert authority in this matter and must be loved by millions of people. Samuel Hendrickson: Wonder of the World!

7. I would hate to die of cancer. Several studies have linked taller statures like Samuel Hendrickson’s to a greater risk of cancer. This is bad news for Korean guys, who (GASP!) have a similar average height to men in Western nations.

8. I would hate to eat biscuits and gravy for the rest of my life. Because that’s what white people like to eat, right? Man, that sure would get boring after a while. Alright, alright, I’ll allow Samuel a BigMac every three months.

9. I would hate to be obsessed with another man’s penis. Why is it that racist white guys like Samuel LOVE talking about Asian penis? It’s a completely false assumption that Asian men are somehow “less gifted” sexually than other races. I exclusively date Asian men. Granted, I haven’t sampled every single Asian man, but Asian men have never left me unsatisfied.

10. I would hate to have such a narrow library of porn. I won’t deny that most Asian countries censor their porn to some degree, but if Samuel Hendrickson thinks that you’re limited to one kind of porn and one kind only based upon your race, I feel sorry for his imagination and for his right hand.

Copies of the original Facebook video that Samuel posted have been taken off of YouTube due to Terms of Service violations regarding hate speech, but numerous other copies can be found simply by googling his name. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but this kind of thing isn’t going to disappear any time soon and will probably come back to haunt you when you apply for a job. Samuel has also deactivated his Facebook page, which was probably a very wise choice considering the “I hate Samuel Hendrickson” fanmail he probably got.

I understand that this video was allegedly posted as a joke and that no harm was intended, but I have to question at what point we stop calling these things “jokes” and start recognizing them for the blatant and hurtful racism that they really are. First there was Alexandra Wallace, who faced numerous death threats and was forced to transfer schools. Then there was the racist UCLA graffiti that’s bound to result in expulsions. THEN there was the racist, Asian-themed kegger at Duke.

AND NOW WE HAVE SAMUEL HENDRICKSON.

When does it stop? More than 50% of Asian children are the targets of racial bullying in this country and I find it depressing that there are still people who think disgusting behavior like Samuel Hendrickson’s is okay, even in jest. I’m glad to see that Samuel has recognized his error and made public apologies, but I can’t help questioning whether he’s genuinely sorry or if he’s just sorry because he got caught.

Samuel, I implore you: please think before you post something on the internet in the future. You’ve thrown an entire race of people under the bus. You’ve made yourself the target of what is bound to be severe backlash. You, in a moment of ignorance, may have completely trashed your own future if and when you attempt to move beyond your “self employed” (read: unemployed) status.

If Alexandra Wallace wasn’t a lesson enough to people with anti-Asian bias that spewing such vitriol isn’t the most intelligent idea, then I hope in some small corner of my mind that Samuel Hendrickson manages to teach that lesson. If anything, the consequences of his hurtful and racist remarks might serve as a warning to the next racist white person with a webcam. Let’s cross our fingers.